D

Shopgirl

2010-04-05T20:59:00.001-07:00

Written by Steve Martin, this movie's opening scenes are such a real portrayal of what dating feels like nowadays. Mirabel (Claire Danes) works at Saks and meets a scruffy artist (Jason Schwartzman). at the laundromat. They have the most awkward and spark-free courtship that only continues because she hears a radio doctor claiming that women scientifically need to be held, even if it's by someone they don't like. Jeremy's a likeable enough guy, but on their first date, he takes her to a "citywalk" to sit and watch people go by (because movies cost $10) and when she tells him he looks nice, says yeah, thanks. At the end of the evening he says, "congratulations, you've now been on a date with Jeremy" and yells "can I kiss you or what?" and offers to give her his number. She throws it out, but a few weeks later decides to dig his number out of the trash and calls him to fulfill her scientific need to "be held."

The next day she meets Ray Porter (Steve Martin) at work, and he's everything Jeremy is not--well-dressed, distinguished, clean, polite, charming, thoughtful, clean, take-charge, clean. She now has a choice between way-less-than-ideal and ideal, but of course "ideal" always seem to threaten disappointment. He is a "symbolic logician," wealthy from computers, the opposite of Jeremy. She's admitted early on that she's a terrible judge of character. One suspects that neither Ray nor Jeremy will give meaning to Mirabel's life or serve as her escape. The essential similarity between the two men is highlighted in parallel scenes of them eating takeout Chinese and watching sports alone in their respective kitchens. Jeremy is not the only one she is using--she's using them for different things, but Ray being more ideal doesn't make him or the situation more right for her. Also, in some ways, Jeremy is superior to Ray. Both men travel for work--Jeremy as a humble roadie, Ray to black tie events, but Jeremy uses the time to listen to relationship and yoga tapes with the band he works for, while Ray uses travel as an excuse to not commit to her.

Martin's story unexpectedly focuses on the loneliness and boredom of Mirabel and is subtly and intelligently funny. Even though I didn't hear much about it when it was released (2005), I'm glad I picked it up. It is actually worth seeing for Mirabel's clothes alone and for the entire visual atmosphere. What really makes it a great film is the random, strange scenes and characters that strike you as completely real if you have ever had a sense of how strange life and relationships are.

"Graduate Students on Spring Break"

2009-03-19T22:40:00.001-07:00

This is hilarious, especially if you've ever known or been a graduate student:
http://www.latenightwithjimmyfallon.com/video/clips/graduate-students-on-spring-break-31809/1066522/

cookies

2009-03-11T17:46:00.000-07:00

Danielle made me these beautiful and delicious cookies for my birthday, and I thought they should be immortalized before I ate them (I'm finally uploading pictures since I'm on vacation):

Highs and Lows

2009-02-26T22:14:00.000-08:00

Sometimes the greatest things happen (even very small things) and I am happy, or reminded to be happy. I lose it so quickly, though. Why is that? Why should some small, dumb thing have the power to make me forget some great, wonderful thing?

Happiness is so tricky. In Brideshead Revisited, the characters become happy by giving up the parts of life that seem to promise them happiness originally--marriage, status, career, romance, art. Those can all be good things. I can't really imagine giving them up. Is that bad? Should I be able to imagine that?

Sometimes, I have such happy moments relating to my schoolwork, and I can't even believe how happy I am that this gets to be my job. Then, I am afraid that I love it too much because it's hard to think of willingly giving it up. Other times, school causes the most worry and distress--and maybe that is related to how much I love it, because I worry that something will make it go away.

The simple life, as Sebastian chooses in the monastery, is actually quite appealing when I idealize it. But I can't choose it just to escape from life--can I? Being in the competitive public sphere is difficult. I want to live a retired, quiet life, but still do the work that makes me happy. I wish I could have it both ways--do the schoolwork without the competition.

Confessions of a Shopaholic

2009-02-14T22:50:00.000-08:00

I can't say enough good things about this movie! The rom-coms just keep getting better lately.

It follows a real shopaholic who must hide her massive credit card debt when she gets a job writing a personal finance column for Serious Savings magazine. The magazine's editor is trying to make his publication more accessible to regular people, and Rebecca's colorful musings and shopping metaphors strike a chord with readers, making her an overnight success in the financial and magazine worlds. Meanwhile, a debt collector is on her tail and she justifies buying even more designer clothes for her new job. Hilarity ensues.

Despite following some predictable romantic comedy conventions, the plot is full of small, surprising twists and genuinely hilarious moments. Rebecca is a shopaholic, which is humorous and a little ridiculous, but the movie explores the psychological reasons and serious consequences of such an addiction.

This movie is exceptionally funny and clever, and I am thankful to my mom for going to see it with me today. We're having a fun little vacation weekend. Even though I always live in this beautiful climate, I don't always go out and do fun stuff, so visitors bring vacation with them!

He's Just Not That Into You

2009-02-06T21:27:00.000-08:00

I think romantic comedies are an unfairly maligned genre. The critics just can't seem to give them a break. I just saw He's Just Not That Into You (which despite lukewarm reviews will make tons of money) with a theater full of women (in our group we had two men and seven women) and I thought it was great. It was much smarter than the average rom-com; its most unique feature was its attempt to portray relationships realistically, embarrassing warts and all. Based on the popular self-help book of the same name, the movie showed a deeper complexity of relationships than the book but still maintained the basic theme that people should not waste their energy on others who are not really interested--in other words, don't be desperate.

Like one of my favorites, Love Actually, this film follows several sub-plots, but in the city of Baltimore rather than London. The main character is played by the charming Ginnifer Goodwin, a quite desperate young lady who obsesses over guys who don't call and whether each of them could secretly be the love of her life. The worldly wise bartender Alex kindly gives her tough advice, which inspires her to be realistic about these guys and develop some standards for her relationships. He teaches her, as the book says, to not "waste the pretty." Drew Barrymore has a small part which focuses on the complications modern technology add to dating; Scarlett Johansson's character is convinced that she is in love with a married man, and others question both their own and their partners' sincerity in relationships.

Like the book, the movie focuses on tough love advice for relationships--telling the truth to one's friends to help them avoid being led on, desperate, or needy. I know that some people thought these characters were extremely pitiful, but to me they seem realistic. I always like characters that reveal and ridicule human weakness; they make me feel better.

I'm not sure if romantic comedies are reviled because people think relationships are unimportant to examine, or think that comedy is not intellectual enough, or because they have a bias against movies directed at women. I realize that many rom-coms are just terrible, but there are clever ones, and I believe this is one of them. While it may not be on the level of You've Got Mail or Love Actually, it may actually sacrifice charm in an attempt to present subtleties. I'm always impressed by the representation of subtle truth, by intelligent comedy, and by any light of wisdom that is shed on the mystery of relationships.

Birthday Presents

2009-01-17T21:54:00.001-08:00

I got some "birthday presents" this week. I like all of my new professors! They are good teachers, intelligent, interesting, and successful--but also funny and nice. It's going to be a lot of work, but I think I will learn a lot this semester and be able to formulate my own approach to literature by observing these role models. I was in need of a "hero" after last semester--someone to look up to and to want to be like, and someone who might help me develop as a scholar. I seem to have met three such people in my first week.

My old employer France got in touch with me and said she and her family might be able to stop by Waco tomorrow, which happens to be my birthday. She gave me the job tutoring her kids years ago at a time when I needed both a job and a restoration of confidence in myself as a teacher. It will be great to see the kids. France is also extremely encouraging and affirming. I have been reminded this week how many good friends I have and how many people believe in me--it's overwhelming in a good way.

Two of my old college friends who live in Austin remembered my birthday, so I am going to see them tomorrow morning. I might get in a stop at my favorite store, Ikea, too. I have had so much fun shopping for deals lately, on my break. It is like a game and a hobby, and it is creatively empowering. I'm loving my apartment lately, and I feel like I'm making small decisions all the time that are helping me define myself as a person and feel more in control of it in every way. I went grocery shopping, did some cooking, and had a little party for the first time in this apartment. I got five loads of laundry finished last night. I decided I want to be finished with pseudo-dating, at least when I can see its detrimental effects. I feel like I'm making good decisions. That is a good feeling.

I got some thoughtful gifs from Tony and Rachel in the mail today. On Monday I'm going to have lunch and see a movie with friends in Waco. Last night I had Japanese food with a great friend here. Sometimes I really feel overwhelmed with how blessed I am.

the glories of Vacation

2008-12-13T21:26:00.000-08:00

"vacate": from Latin "vacare," to leave empty

And that is what I am, thankfully empty of any confusing or chaotic thoughts relating to Evelyn Waugh, Joseph Conrad, or how in the heck to please my professors. It's good. Breathe deeply....

Yesterday, my friend and I went up to Dallas just for fun. We took the day off of work, went shopping (not for Christmas), had drinks and dinner, and saw Slumdog Millionaires in a cute neighborhood. Also, we went to Starbucks on the way up there. A perfect day.

Sometimes I think I'm meant to live the life of leisure all the time, like an aristocrat of old, when they had no guilt complexes like we Americans do about spending time on relationships, art, or learning how to enjoy ourselves in ever-more-complex ways. It's so natural to me. Even the enneagram personality test says I am an "aristocrat" type.

Then I remember that women fought for the freedom to be employed and creative in the public sphere, and how Jane Austen wrote about the emotional dangers of idleness--most specifically depression and self-centered inanity. That's not what I want, but I'm convinced I would keep myself busy somehow.

School is hard. Not in the sense that most people's jobs are hard. It's just psychologically hard to expose your thoughts to critique and to be entering a profession that takes years of preparation and guarantees no stable employment upon graduation.

However, if I didn't do it, vacation wouldn't be so good. It wouldn't be so good to empty my mind. And it is a good feeling. It's also necessary for re-creation. Work and play, both good. "Seasons" are good, and balance is good. I need to remember to embrace both mental "vacation" and its opposite. Too much vacation might become too vacant, and I am incredibly fortunate to have the kind of employment I do. Career success isn't everything, but it's definitely something.

The Tennants

2008-10-05T09:42:00.001-07:00

Here are some images of my friends the Tennants, who live just north of Austin, only 1 1/2 hrs. from me. Their three boys are really cute. The picture of Benjamin is typical Tennant rowdiness; the one of Simone typical of her sweetness. She is an awesome mom who also works long hours for the church. Ben has two full-time jobs right now--as Spanish teacher and church Pastor. If anyone is cut out to bear all these responsibilities well, it's them!

Wyatt climbed up in his baby armchair and pulled down a theology book. He's taking after his parents!

I also got to watch super Soccer dad Ben in action, coaching oldest son Cadence on his moves. Cadence just joined soccer, but Ben didn't stop with dribbling, passing, and kicking. He was also teaching Cadence to steal the ball and do fancy footwork. It's great to see how values and skills are passed down from one generation to the next.

I met the Tennants' church community at a Labor Day barbecue and I wasn't surprised at all to find them warm, sincere, fun-loving, and unpretentious. Ben and Simone have gathered a great community around them and it's awesome to see their creative forces in effect--in both family and church.

Probably my favorite part of the visit, though, was when Ben suggested we watch a goofy romantic comedy and eat chocolate ice cream. My kind of people!

a sight I miss

2008-09-17T18:12:00.001-07:00

If you look closely, you can see Win peeking around the corner like he's on an episode of Scooby Doo. This was his way of saying hi without crossing the forbidden line into the stairwell.

Moving!

2008-09-17T18:12:00.000-07:00

Tony, My Hero

2008-09-11T20:05:00.001-07:00

My good friend Tony, who has been my collaborator in book club, decluttering, and decorating, helped me move. He even put my new furniture together!

We stopped one night at my uncle Jerry and aunt Sue's house in St. Louis, then at a Motel 6 in Dallas where I caught a little of the women's gymnastics finals:). The next day we made it to Waco!
I'm not sure how I would have driven 20 hours across the country without Tony. He is the most giving friend, a truly "cheerful giver." Anyone who knows him can depend on him. He's also a very easy-going traveler and find the humor in such things as the "Precious Moments Chapel and Gift Shop (Largest in the World!)" in Missouri.

Besides throwing me the most wonderful going-away party, and mailing all my books down to me this week (they're heavy--sorry!), he shared the driving with me and helped me move in all of my stuff at high noon in central Texas.

After we moved in, I dragged him to IKEA so I could use my rental trailer to haul furniture back to my apartment. IKEA is about 1.5 hours when pulling a trailer. We came out in the dark and pouring rain to find my car tire completely destroyed. Tony changed the tire and then drove home, pulling the UHaul on the spare, to get me home in time to rest for my orientation the next day, which he also drove me to. Then, he rented a car to drive himself to Dallas so he could fly home.

As one of our mutual friends said recently of Tony, "he's a peach." Ain't that the truth!

Win

2008-09-11T19:55:00.001-07:00

I know Win has his own blog, but here he is roaring like a wild animal, trying to jump in the sink, and alternately showing his domesticated side by vacuuming and getting a massage.

My Last Wonderful Week!

2008-09-11T19:32:00.001-07:00

For my last week in Holland, I did lots of my favorite things: hang out with Win, go to the Windmill, play bocce with Bible Study, and go out to breakfast with my parents the day after my amazing going-away party.

Jane Austen Festival on PBS

2008-01-19T11:54:00.000-08:00

A dream come true! Five new Jane Austen movies (seven total) shown Sunday nights in quick succession on PBS!

This past Sunday, PBS played their new version of Persuasion. On Jan. 20th it's a new Northanger Abbey, with the screenplay written by Andrew Davies who did the brilliant A&E Pride & Prejudice. On Jan. 27 they will show a new Mansfield Park, then a movie about Austen's life called Miss Austen Regrets on Feb. 3. Then, for three Sundays in February PBS will play the A&E Pride & Prejudice starring Colin Firth (scheduled to coincide with Valentine's Day, I guess). The Kate Beckinsale Emma will play on Mar. 23 and a new Sense & Sensibility on Mar. 30 and April 6. Emma and Sense & Sensibility are also adapted by Andrew Davies. Wow!

The first film, Persuasion, was interesting, with emphasis being placed on the main character Anne Elliot's need to be more decisive, i.e. less easily persuaded. However, in the book she is presented as a character with great integrity, but who is caught in a conflict between the demands of family loyalty and the demands of her heart. The new film shows her taking control of her life and deciding to follow her heart, although the book makes clear she can only do this because the demands of her family have been met. She is never resentful towards her very flawed family, and her selflessness wins her the respect of the dashing Captain Wentworth.

My only complaints about this film were its length (too short), its seriousness (at the expense of comedy), the homeliness of the lead actress (makes the romance less believable), and its rewriting of Austen's brilliant ending. Rather than both characters admitting their parts in their earlier broken engagement, the blame lies squarely on Anne, a character who Austen said was nearly perfect. Because the film was so short, it feels like Austen's subtlety has been sacrificed in a rush to just "tell the story." Also, I wonder why they feel the need for shaky cameras.

The next film, Northanger Abbey, should be much more humorous, and it will be nice to see how Andrew Davies has adapted it. He is the man responsible for adding the Darcy scenes to Pride & Prejudice (Darcy swimming, fencing, brooding, hunting, riding).

The PBS website is very informative and features a great interview with Davies:
http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/masterpiece/austen/

Bella

2007-12-19T19:50:00.000-08:00

I highly recommend Bella if it is playing near you. A great movie for the Christmas season, Bella is moving, funny, and perfectly pitched. The characters are reminiscent of Mary and Joseph, and the story beautifully explores the meaning of unselfish motherhood and fatherhood.

Jose, a handsome former professional soccer player, is mysteriously working as a chef in his brother's restaurant. He has a dark secret that explains why he wears a long Jesus-like beard and stays out of the limelight. Nina, a waitress at the restaurant, has just found out that she's pregnant, and is fired by Jose's brother Manny for being late to work. Jose, concerned for Nina, follows her down the sidewalk as she walks away from the restaurant, and they embark on a geographical and emotional odyssey around New York City and its suburbs.

Bella demonstrates what it means to connect with another person for no selfish reason whatsoever. It illustrates how one person's sacrifice can change someone else's life. The characters, acting, filming, and dialogue are evocative without being overdone, and serve to show how active compassion can make the difference in a tragic, seemingly-hopeless life.

Relief...

2007-12-13T20:10:00.000-08:00

I am officially done with exams, papers, and one semester of grad school! I must put off worrying about the future, and revel in vacation!

Mouse!

2007-11-27T07:03:00.000-08:00

I woke up in the dark at 7 am to a little, twittering noise in my room. Immediately, it sprang to mind that nothing would be in my room but a mouse--or a ghost. Either one is a scary prospect, and the first is worse because more probable. Sure enough, I turned on my lamp and saw a little, black mouse perched on top of a huge pile of books next to my bed and staring straight at me. He was in no hurry to go anywhere. I had a nearly empty glass on the nightstand. I dumped the last bit of water into the trashcan and saw that the mouse had jumped onto the armchair. I put the glass over its head and then trapped it with the novel (The Blithedale Romance) that I had fallen asleep reading for class. I ran downstairs as the mouse jumped up against the book and listened to hear if Rachel was awake yet so I could show off my prowess. I ran outside and released the mouse at the fence between our house and the neighbors', in an attempt to be fair. I hope he does not come back, although I am thankful for being so effectively awakened to begin studying again. It's not often that I'm up before eight. I saw that water was sprinkled all over the books where Mr. Mouse had perched, and wondered if he had urinated out of fright. However, I think that it was water from my glass, upon reflection. It's too bad no one was there to share my strange wake-up call.

Lewis

2007-11-19T16:28:00.000-08:00

"The intellectual life is not the only road to God, nor the safest, but we find it to be a road, and it may be the appointed road for us. Of course it will be so only so long as we keep the impulse pure and disinterested; we may come to love knowledge -- our knowing -- more than the thing known: to delight not in our talents but in the fact that they are ours, or even in the reputation they bring us. Every success in a scholar's life increases this danger. If it becomes irresistible, he must give up his scholarly work. The time for plucking out the right eye has arrived. "

Venus

2007-11-16T07:53:00.000-08:00

Peter O'Toole (of Lawrence of Arabia fame) stars in Venus as an old man trying to face death and return to his youth through his attraction to a 20-year-old woman (his best friend's great-niece). Now of course, this is a common theme and a little sketchy, but thinking about it mythologically, I connected it to such unlikely themes as Adam and Eve's loss of innocence.

Jessie, the young woman who Morris calls "Venus," is a tough-talking English teenager who comes to stay with Morris' best friend as his helper/nurse. Morris is drawn to her luscious young good looks immediately, having quite a history as a successful actor and dashing hedonist. In the background of the story is Morris' wife, who he has been separated from for years, since he left her with three young children for some young actress. Clearly, his whole life is an attempt to regain his youth.

Mythologically speaking, this attraction to younger women and their perceived innocence is of course an attempt to go back to the edenic time of childhood, when we felt oneness with our mothers and a sense of immortality. As we grow up, we encounter death, and it is traumatic. This parallels Adam and Eve's fall from innocence, when they gain knowledge of both good and evil, that is, both imminent death and the knowledge of their mortality. Death never becomes an acceptable prospect, as St. Paul says--all humanity is controlled by a fear of death.

However, the reality of life is that there is death, there is a cycle, and that is what Morris has to accept. Towards the end of the film he visits his wife and recognizes how messed up he was to have left her with three children. Jessie was also left by a man when he found out she was pregnant.

This fear of having children is a fear of death disguised, since having children means entering into the natural cycle, which includes the inevitability of death. In this view, sex is a childish experience, not an adult one. It is an attempt to return to the oneness of childhood by finding a mother substitute in a woman (preferably a young one). However, as soon as she gets pregnant, and the reality of adulthood sets in, it's too scary for someone who is running from "knowledge." Having children means somehow a need to replace oneself to carry on the human race. I think it is funny how soon we can have children after being children ourselves. It is a fast loss of innocence. However, women are forced to accept it sooner than men, because their bodies are tied to nature and its cycles. Men can sort of pretend that they're not tied to nature and that they are immortal until, like Morris, they are forced to face death. By returning to his wife, who is also old, not young like Jessie, he sort of accepts nature--women get old, and he is old, too. You can accept reality, and it is ok.

Morris has lived his whole life for "pleasure," a futile attempt to recapture innocence, youth and paradise and escape reality. However, as Jessie tells her story, because at her young age she's already encountered both sexuality and death, it's clear that she is not that innocent he wants her to be. Her life is no Eden; she's just as much a part of the natural cycle as his aging wife.

In this association of childbirth with death, because it is part of nature, many symbols stand for the womb--of course blood, but also water. There is an ambivalence in trying to return to the womb and its feeling of closeness to the mother, an edenic sense of unity such as Adam and Eve shared with each other. However, it also represents death, like immersion in the waters of baptism--a loss of selfhood into another's self. The ocean represents this return to origins, as well as being connected to Venus, who was supposedly born out of the ocean. Morris takes his shoes off and walks into the sea just minutes before he dies peacefully. As we return to the earth in death, we are returning to Mother Earth. She represents life as well as death. Acceptance of this cycle is wisdom, wisdom that would have allowed Morris to accept his aging wife rather than being scared of the mortality she represents. Any attempt to regain innocence is an illusion anyway, as seen by Jessie's early initiation into the evils of "reality." Eden is just an illusion at this point in the world.

Interestingly, although this movie seems mainly focused on accepting death and nature, there is the question of true, spiritual immortality. When Morris confesses that he has spent his whole life pursuing pleasure, Jessie asks "don't you believe in anything?" This is not, for her, a religious question but it bears reflection. Morris doesn't seem aware of anything transcendent. I think you must accept nature, that is, mortality, like St. Francis, who welcomed "Little Sister Death," or even Jesus, who willingly died, before you can make life possible--in either the natural sense (childbearing) or the spiritual sense (serenity). You must believe you will die before you can deal with the business of living forever.

Bravery?

2007-09-15T09:08:00.000-07:00

The Brave One is about a woman whose fiance' is killed in a Central Park mugging while they are walking their dog. Shaken by grief and disturbed by her new fear of the city, she buys a gun and ends up using it--repeatedly--to "right wrongs" and defend herself and others. The problem: she no longer recognizes herself and realizes that her fiance' wouldn't have liked who she's become, either. But she can't stop. She keeps killing and killing to try to regain a sense of safety, peace, justice, and rightness in the world. In an interview last week Jodie Foster (the star) stated that the title was misleading--she doesn't consider her character brave at all. Her self-defense turns into vengeance and vigilante "justice."

It can only be considered justice if it is acceptable for us as individuals to punish those who have hurt us. Conventional Christian wisdom states that we should wait for a higher power, i.e. God or the police, to right our wrongs, and that true faith is a belief that God ultimately will let justice be done and that he is the only truly fair, impartial judge. We are not, in this line of thinking. However, it's hard to not want to take matters into your own hands.

When your safety has been shaken, either by something physically traumatic, like being attacked, or something emotionally traumatic (related to our upbringing or past relationships), it is so easy to become like the character of Erica. You feel a need to establish your own safety, to protect yourself by any means. You start making preemptive strikes to prevent harmful situations from even occurring. You take out the full measure of "justice" on people whether physically or emotionally.

I see this clearly in myself--when I feel mistreated, I lash out (even when the perpetrator doesn't realize that I am). I feel the right to get vengeance, to teach them a lesson--you can't get away with this--and to protect my own sense of safety. But watching this movie, I realized I don't want to be like her. I don't want to take matters into my own hands, meting out punishments to those around me when they fall short of my expectations (as happens often). I don't want to be that vengeful, resentful, angry person. I don't want to not be able to recognize myself, to not be able to trust others, to hurt others in the name of justice. You become a person characterized primarily by violence, the desire to hurt others. That flies completely against the Golden Rule, mercy, and compassion. I don't understand why they did these things to hurt me, but if I hurt and destroy them before even trying to find out, it's like I'm saying they're not worthy of love or forgiveness--and consequently neither am I, since I know I perpetrate as well.

It's so hard to break out of this cycle--Erica in the movie found it impossible. But last night I also read this: "my grace is sufficient for you; my strength is made perfect in your weakness."

Critics

2007-09-02T18:48:00.000-07:00

I'm going to swear off rottentomatoes.com for a while. Recently, I saw The Nanny Diaries and Stardust, two movies which I wholeheartedly enjoyed, and partially because I thought they had artistic merit. However, both of these movies got lukewarm and even negative reviews (along with some good ones). I started to question my trust in "the critics" or "the reviewers."

It always bothers me when people are overly critical of a movie or a book that I like. It's usually a movie that's funky, different, and maybe even silly or "unsophisticated"--but creative. I interpret their dislike as a sort of snobbish disapproval. I had a thought today. Could it be that these critical people fear creativity? Is their intense criticism of others' work indicative of a paralyzing criticism that has been first directed at themselves? What takes more courage--being a critic or being creative?

I think critics have a valid role in society--without them, artists might not know how to improve their work, and audiences wouldn't know where to go for good literature or film. Critics often shed light on the deeper meaning of a work by putting in the time to analyze it. They teach us how to more deeply enjoy our movie-watching and book-reading at times. In grad school for literature, my role is like a critic--to analyze and sometimes evaluate what I see or read.

However, I think being a creative person in our society takes more bravery than being a critic. Creative people have to take risks; they have to get past their fears of criticism from others. They have to stop criticizing themselves enough to be creative, too. They are brave--and because they are brave, we benefit. And then we tear them apart. I'm not saying critics aren't smart, capable people. But do they ever wish they made movies or wrote novels? Do they dream of being creative? Or do they satisfy themselves with cleverly criticizing the shortcomings of creative people? Are they compensating for their non-creativity?

In the book The Artists' Way, Julia Cameron talks about this phenomenon: "blocked artists" over-criticize creative efforts because they are jealous of them and fearful that they couldn't do the same. I know I feel a pang of jealousy whenever I hear of a an actively creative person, especially one I know or who is close to my age. I desperately want to do the same, but, of course I am too critical of myself to even start. If we would stop criticizing other people's creative efforts, we might stop criticizing our own and free ourselves to start taking risks.

I don't think any artistic work done by human hands is going to be perfect, but I want to honor people that do them. I want to try doing them myself, and give myself safety to be imperfect. I want to learn from people who are doing it, and let myself enjoy their work without nitpicking it. That doesn't mean not raising valid points of disagreement or critique; but it does mean finding the best in every movie or book and allowing myself to be a little freer. I think I'd rather be creative than a critic; it seems both happier and more helpful to others.

30

2007-07-15T19:08:00.000-07:00

Today, my brother Sean would have turned 30 (or maybe he did turn 30?). There isn't really much to say about it, it's just an interesting milestone. I can't believe my older brother who I grew up alongside of would be 30 already! His daughter Eva is almost 9!

His life was one that changed me forever and made me who I am today. I hope I never forget it. In fact, I hope I can write about it some day and do it justice. It was beautiful, tragic, and meaningful all at the same time--"for someone so young."

But sometimes I wonder if that cliche' has any validity at all, because it seems that sometimes the most important, or at least the most keenly felt, things happen in our youth. At least for him. It makes me fascinated with children, and with myself as a child. I think we encounter so many deep things in the "mists of childhood" when our senses are acute and open. I certainly have a unique love and connection for him and for my sister that was formed in those early days.

Jobs!

2007-07-04T12:42:00.000-07:00

"When it rains, it pours." I've heard this statement many times in the past couple of weeks. Two jobs came up recently--ones I would enjoy--and I interviewed for both. It was so fun, as both interviews were positive, relaxed, and as I said before, for jobs I would enjoy. It was a new sort of feeling.

The even better news is--I got both of them! Well, sort of. I'm going to be a graduate assistant for English profs at Grand Valley State, where I'm getting a masters. I won't be teaching; instead, I'll be helping to edit a newsletter on Flannery O'Connor and a journal on E. E. Cummings! I was also up for a full-time writer job at the Holland newspaper. However, in the end it worked out that I could write some freelance feature articles, allowing me to take both jobs. I will be busy when the school year starts, so we'll see what happens, especially with the Brewery job. I'm just really thankful for jobs where I can write and be creative, learn practical skills, and work with nice people.

Look for my articles (and columns) in the Life & Style section at hollandsentinel.com

Waitress

2007-05-28T19:16:00.000-07:00

One guess, if you know me, why I had to see this movie...

Just a few complaints: she brings the drinks at the same time as the food? Don't the customers get impatient? She gets a lunch break? Isn't a waitress usually serving lunch during lunchtime?

Aside from those small complaints, I got what I came for--a sympathetic portrayal a of a waitress, that iconic, harried member of society--and a lot more. Keri Russell is not only at the whims of her customers in a "pie diner," but also at the whim of a controlling, hyper-traditional I-want-to-take-care-of-you-give-me-all-your-tips husband...the classic oppressed and powerless female. All she has is her two co-waitresses, sisters in lovelessness. Or is it?

Early in the movie, Jenna finds out she is pregnant--unwillingly so--by her husband, Earl. The diner's manager and owner, both male, are also ornery, bossy, and less-than-understanding in general. It seems that men have gotten the better of her, and we prepare to feel sorry. At one point, "Old Joe," the owner, played by Andy Griffith, is ordering her to get him new orange juice--this time with no ice; then, her husband calls her on the phone to harass her about something; at the same time she must deal with other things, like her manager telling her to move things along, other customers, morning sickness, and her coworkers' emotional problems. This is the feeling I often experience at work: how can one person possibly be expected to do five things, and make ten people happy, at once? It's simply not possible. Someone will have to be unhappy--a truth I hate to admit, because I hate to fail.

Jenna begins to feel unhappy not only with her oppressed lot, but also with her own moral failure because she has started an affair with her adorable obstetrician and continues to have an unwelcoming attitude towards the poor innocent babe inside her. Life falls apart...but by the end of the story she is taking control and making decisions not only to further her own happiness (which we've been cheering her to do) but also to further the happiness of others, returning her to a state of being a "good person." We start to feel more sympathy for those oppressive males, finding they're not as bad as they seemed. Like many women-themed stories, this one is about finding happiness--and peace--in your decisions, be they related to relationships, children, or career. The thing I am beginning to realize about feminist stories is that they are often about both empowerment and compassion, compassion for men, children, and other women, and not just about doing what's right for yourself.

This weekend I had a customer put me down at work. He implied that he was a better person because he makes more money than I do--and even told me how much. It seems laughable now, but at the time it shook me to the core. I love to read a good womanly story (or watch such a movie) and remember that the more vulnerable members of society have nothing wrong with them, unless creativity, tenderness, and finding meaning in life are faults. We all have to take steps towards our own "happiness," whatever that means, and do it with our integrity in tact. That means working with our own individual personalities, talents, and interests, and being brave enough to step out whether it's with a career, a relationship, or a "hobby." It's nice to have someone take care of you, but sometimes that person has to be yourself, along with the community you have, be it girlfriends, a boyfriend, husband, parents, or random elderly mentors, like in this movie. Just like Jenna took control of her life, I feel like I've "taken control" of mine, if that can really be done, and a story like this is encouraging. Your job doesn't determine who you are. As Joe says to her, "you don't even know who you are, deep inside--you're not just some 'little waitress'." I think, however, that she started to find out--just like I am.

Published!

2007-04-20T10:49:00.000-07:00

Hey friends, check out my column in the Holland Sentinel newspaper today:
http://hollandsentinel.com/stories/042007/lifeandstyle_20070420079.shtml
I think this is my first time being published! I'm very excited!

If you like it, you can give feedback to the editor of the Life & Style section (details are in the article). Thanks for all your support!

Mad

2007-04-06T14:24:00.000-07:00

I don't get mad about big things, like people dying--those things, rather, confuse me.

I get mad at God about things like flesh-eating cold on April 6, or spilling coffee while driving, or chipping my nailpolish. Then I say "why? Why do you do this to me?"

Amazing Grace

2007-03-06T10:43:00.000-08:00

Amazing Grace tells the true story of William Wilberforce, a young, privileged English politician who sought to end the British slave trade, succeeding in February of 1807. Wilberforce was close friends with the (also-young) prime minister, William Pitt, and served in Parliament from the time of the American Revolution to the early 1800's.

Amazing Grace elaborates on the beautiful theme that a person can be both deeply spiritual and active in changing the world at the same time, two impulses that Wilberforce thinks are mutually exclusive early on in his career. The filmmakers develop his spiritual life in a simple, real-feeling way, showing him laying in the wet grass on some corner of his large estate, delirious in the joy of God's presence and creation, leading his servants to consider him a little crazy (while respecting his sincerity and kindness). Wilberforce succeeds in uniting a life of "meditation and action," advised to do so by his friend John Newton, the monkish converted slave-trader who wrote "Amazing Grace."

The film also demonstrates the spirit & vitality of youth, for example with the radical new ideas that spurred on Wilberforce and Pitt, much to the chagrin of their elders in Parliament, and also their youthful exuberance, as they race each other through the countryside and joke " if they only knew how we carried on..they'd never let anyone under the age of thirty hold office again!"

The story shows that worldy practicality and legal maneuvering were necessary and effective strategies in Wilberforce's battle to end the slave trade in the British empire. It also showed that he worked with many different sorts of people to achieve his ends, from somber, sober clergymen to political radicals with flasks in their pockets. His personal and professional friendship with Pitt was deep, despite differences in belief between the two of them.

The romance between Wilberforce and his wife Barbara is so naturally portrayed, with them talking endlessly through the night practically the first time they meet, showing her natural sympathy with his causes and struggles, and portraying their quick decision to marry all as delightful and believable.

This movie made me proud to be a Christian and a young person and made me want to take action in the world, encouraging me that following an earthly calling does not preclude a life of reflection, and that solitude is not necessary to be spiritual.

Pitt says to Wilberforce: "too many people like you to let you live a life of solitude!" I think anyone who sees this movie will like him, too.

Flexibility

2007-02-15T07:58:00.000-08:00

Maybe it's because I was spoiled by a highly-academic Bloomfield-Hills education, but lately I'm frustrated with the fact that some home schooled kids just aren't learning. I'm ready to move on from in-home tutoring as a career pursuit, partially because parents don't seem willing to commit the money and time necessary to really help their children learn.

The true benefit of home schooling is the flexibility it offers for the parents, enabling them to plan education in the way that best suits each individual child’s needs. Home schooling can’t be one-size-fits-all any more than public or private schooling can, and still be expected to succeed.

Governesses or full-time tutors were used in the past, especially, it seems, for children like C. S. Lewis, who had other options but thrived in a one-on-one environment because he was bright and strange. His tutor was well-educated, scholarly, rigorous, knowledgeable of many subjects, and instrumental in forming character as well as intellect. Tutors may have an advanced degree or not, but I think a home teacher or tutor must have at least a Bachelor’s degree, i.e. the same education as a school teacher, in today’s society. Is this practical for home educators? Only rich families seem to have live-in tutors nowadays, but perhaps tutors could again play such an extremely formative role in many types of children’s lives. C. S. Lewis claimed that his future as a scholar would have been ruined had he continued at a boarding school. He credits his tutor with saving him from scholarly failure, with making him logical, which he credits with strengthening his faith. He places an utmost importance on the presence of the tutor in forming him for his future career, which of course will be different for everyone.

For example, many homeschoolers seem to be preparing their children for lives of faith or perhaps ministry and perhaps for manual labor, but not specifically for college---maybe because they (the parents) have no college education themselves. They want their children, however, at home, with the control and creativity it affords them as parents, and the ability to form their children’s emotional and spiritual lives.

However, traditionally parents desire something better for their children than for themselves academically. Early American pioneers formed schools and hired teachers to come, people who were probably more educated than they were and could devote time to education because it was their job to do so. Perhaps it depends upon the gifts and goals of the child and parent, but it seems children should have the option of pursuing a path that requires academic training if they are so inclined. Children, in other words, I think, should not be given short shrift when it comes to academics simply because they are home schooled.

Home schooling is not the culprit; it simply may be reality that parents are not prepared to offer rigorous academics. However, their control as home schoolers can actually give them the opportunity to hire tutors and seek out the best possible educational options to form programs that are custom-made to help their children succeed in the way best suited to them. So in other words, home schooling is actually a good thing, no matter what the child is like, because it offers flexibility and the chance to customize education for maximum success. Just as C. S. Lewis’ father was able to transfer him from a boarding school to a private tutor, which produced the desired results, home educators have many options. However, they need to take advantage of them and not limit their children to the education they can provide, especially if it falls short in some area, such as academics. Also, if children have creative talents they will benefit from being trained in art, music, dance, or writing. This training could mean the difference between finding their calling and being relegated to "drudgery."*

Teachers have never been particularly well-paid, but they have made a decent living off of their vocation. Private school-teachers and professors do live off their work, although humbly. The same should be the case with tutors, who are not babysitters, but teachers. If they are providing that invaluable part of a child’s education, i.e. academics, creativity, and character, then they should be compensated in a way that allows them to pursue this as a career. As independent business-people they should set their own rates, and parents should consider comparative costs for private school, college, piano lessons (and other lessons traditionally paid for outside of school curriculum). Parents and tutors should discuss the goals for the child and be on the same page; the tutors should have some amount of freedom but must also be structured and communicate about the progress of students. Parents, however, who are not willing to uphold the tutor’s teaching for the rest of the week, when the tutoring takes the form of a “class” one time per week, should not expect great results if they are not willing to cooperate and invest time, effort (to do homework or reinforce lessons), or money (to hire the tutor for more frequent lessons). The tutor does not want to fail and should not set impossible goals, i.e. these functionally illiterate children will become skilled writers with 1 hour of lessons per week and homework spottily done. The parent should be willing to listen to the tutor on matters of academics if that is why the tutor was hired, otherwise the parent should continue focusing on other things such as character or practical skills and not do the academics job half-way.

February

2007-02-09T11:58:00.000-08:00

A few years ago, when I taught high school in Maryland, we had a whole week off in February because of snow. This past week, we've had similar weather in Michigan, and, while my waitressing shifts have not been cancelled, I have felt a bit house-bound. I chose to use my time during both storms the same way: watching movies. Thankfully, I've been more moderate this time, but here is what I've been watching:

A few very good movies:
1)Joyeux Noel, about the true story of the Christmas day truce between enemy forces in World War I; they join together to sing Christmas carols, exchange gifts, play soccer, and have a church service. After that, they don't want to fight. This movie brings up so many fascinating issues relating to war & peace in modern times, and is extremely well-made.
2)Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, about two people who are in love, but can't get along, and thus have their memories of each other erased by a special "procedure," only to discover that they don't want to lose them--a very good, unique love story where the characters feel real.
3)The End of the Affair, based on a great novel, this is a well-crafted movie with profound meaning not only about love & marriage but also about God entering people's lives in a real, unexpected way. The only problem is that the movie is pretty graphic.

A few so-so movies:
1)Prelude to a Kiss, an interesting 90's romantic comedy with young Meg Ryan and Alec Baldwin.
2)Duets, about people singing great pop songs in karaoke bars--but the story lines of the characters aren't always the greatest.

One not-very-good movie:
Because I Said So, a new romantic comedy about a mother and three daughters that has promise but is not very well-written and is rife with sexual content.

The post-holiday season is not a very good one for movies. The holidays were definitely a climax, and now I'm renting random movies from the 90's.

Anyone have recommendations of old or new classics that might be skipped over?

Dissapointment

2007-01-21T11:08:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I wish the world was perfect...

And I used to act like it was. That is called naivete'.

Here is an example. Last night I was waiting on this jolly old man who had taken his whole family out to dinner. Old men, especially jolly ones, seem to relish being able to display their generosity and use their long worked-for savings. This includes taking particular pleasure in privately tipping the waitress.

There are two problems with this. One is that older gents often still subscribe to a %10 tipping policy, which, though to them generous, just isn't the going rate. Another is that I spent 2 1/2 hours completely devoted to this table; they were taking their time and the restaurant was slow, so I was completely devoted to them and basically only still at work because of them.

I couldn't take the risk, after all that work, of feeling, or being, shortchanged. So I added what's called "automatic gratuity," an 18% tip which is perfectly legal for parties of eight and is spelled out (in fine print) right there on the menu.

The problem with adding gratuity is that I am taking away this old man's pleasure in tipping me. When I handed him the credit card slip that detailed the pre-added tip, he studied it confusedly. I wish the world was perfect. For some reason, lately, I am beginning to accept that it is not. Because of that, I have a plan of how to deal with the inevitable fact that not everyone is, or knows how to be, a good tipper--an insurance policy.

It sounds so cynical. But I think it's better to not be surprised, and to have an action plan for when people disappoint you, then to always be dismayed, flustered and flabbergasted when it happens, with no way to handle it, because oh my, it was such a shock.

In the end, I didn't take away this old man's pleasure, as he did tip me on top of the added gratuity. Sometimes I am pleasantly surprised, which is an antidote to my cynicism. But I'll venture to maintain and develop my action plans for what is inevitable--that people will dissapoint you.

Taste

2006-12-20T09:50:00.000-08:00

If we are not to be "sweet" in every situation, what is the alternative? What is the opposite of sweet, anyway? And isn't bitterness undesirable, even immoral, infectious, spiritually paralyzing?

But what did our life science teachers (wrongly) teach us, using the handy-dandy diagram seen above? The tongue is made to taste variety.

Sometimes it is desirable to have a sweet, happy, life--to only notice what is good and only be an easy presence in others' lives. But after a while, and I've experienced this lately, one can have too many sweets and start to crave something else. Bitter? Maybe, like beer, coffee, or salty, like steak, olives, potato chips, or sour, like wine, pickles.

Trying to be sweet all the time becomes overkill. It's too easy to go for the instantly pleasing stimulus. Maybe there is a good bitterness, an honesty that tempers the sweetness that starts to taste fake, unsatisfying, even sickening. Bitter herbs represent honesty about the sad parts of life, the fact that there is sin, death, grief, and disappointment.

Salty people, the salt of the earth, tell the truth. They challenge and provoke controversy. They save life from blandness. Women are often admired for being "salty," "saucy," or "spicy." Spicy and salty can be too much, too, though. I love dessert, its pleasing texture, its easiness. We have to be positive, to defend others, and cover their failings sometimes, celebrating what is good.

I think I understand better now, because of the tongue. I don't have to be sweet all the time. However, the principle of balance comes into play, of putting sugar in bitter tea, or sour cream on spicy chili. I have never been someone who was addicted to spice, but I have been enamored with bitter hops, strong coffee, Irish chips, and milk chocolate. After attempting to live exclusively on one of these flavors, I always tire of it and seek dietary diversity. May I strike that balance in my personality on a daily basis rather than causing those around me to grow surfeited with my extremes.

Casino Royale

2006-12-08T06:02:00.000-08:00

So...I saw two movies today. Casino Royale was the second. Doesn't the name of this movie just sound cool? Well, it is cool, surprisingly (to me) for James Bond.

Casino Royale has the trademarks of a Bond film: the iconic music, 60's graphics, fine suits, and beautiful bosoms on display. But the characters are anything but the cliche's I usually find them to be (and hate). It explores something before unseen: the human side of Bond. In fact, he doesn't say his cliched "the name is Bond, James Bond," but once, and he's earned it by then. For the rest of the story he's a very non-cliched, even flawed, human being who's learning to deal with his shortcomings (few that they are) and lack of respect from his colleagues, enemies, and superiors. This is a Bond who loses at poker, is saved by a woman, and is challenged by a woman who is his equal. However, it also shows why Bond is admired and why he achieves iconic status: he can do just about anything, from self-medical care to withstanding torture, to running great distances at top speed, to hacking into computer systems, to seducing beautiful women....and he only loses at poker once. As his boss, M, says, "I knew you were you...," and this film develops who that "you" is, unyielding and unable to let things drop, and able to beat just about any enemy.

It shows that even Bond has a heart (& a brain) and even to him, some things are more important than the spy game, even to the point that he's willing to give it up.

If you like smokin' hot actors and thinking while you're entertained, you'll like this movie. This could be the movie that turns me into a Bond fan, if they make more like this.

The Queen

2006-12-07T15:44:00.000-08:00

I just saw a great movie with my friend Tony---The Queen, starring Helen Mirren. I found it fascinating to see the inner workings of the British government, the interplay between monarch and prime minister, the conflict between the old order and the new, and the subtle humor of the whole thing. I laughed a lot!

The movie is based on the immediate aftermath of Princess Diana's death in 1997---interesting, because Queen Elizabeth is still on the throne and Tony Blair is still in office today, and they are the two main characters, trying to figure out what protocol is in the situation and how the queen can reach out to her people without compromising her dignity. It's worth it just for the numerous shots of the queen driving her Land Rover across her Scottish estates in her tweed skirt and rubber boots, once even getting out to examine her broken SUV as she is crossing a river. As she points out to one of her groundsmen who helps her out, she was a mechanic during the war. Who knew?

The movie represents a clash between the queen's conservative way of doing things, her devotion to duty and dignity and emotional reserve ("that's what the world respects us for!") and the common people, who loved Diana's total lack of reserve, her bold vulnerability about personal problems, and her willingness to follow her heart rather than the call of duty. The movie is subtle, well-written, and has fabulous acting, as well as fabulous tweed costuming within an inch of the royals' lives.

I recommend it!

I'm going to break my personal bank with all the good movies coming out right now. I saw four previews before this movie, all for movies I now want to see (the habit is self-perpetuating), and all in addition to the four movies currently in the theatre that are on the "schedule."

Wise Blood

2006-11-19T19:00:00.000-08:00

Since I've been reading Flannery O'Connor's stories lately for my book club, I decided to rent the 1979 John Huston film Wise Blood, which is based on one of her novels.

If you can get over the wierdness, this movie has some interesting things to say. There's more than one scene where I was tempted to look away, and yet the film showed me some things about myself that I might not have seen without its disturbing content. In forcing myself to look, I was able to see. In this sense, it is actually good to look at something that could easily be considered inappropriate or offensive.

The film's story follows a young man named Hazel, recently released from the army in what one presumes to be post-World War II years; he returns to his small Southern hometown to find that an interstate has replaced the dirt road, and his family home is deserted and run-down. He unsentimentally disposes of his uniform and buys a sharp 50's-style suit and wide-brimmed, respectable-looking hat. A cab driver who soon after delivers him to a prostitute's house accuses him of looking like a preacher, a comment which infuriates him.

As we learn through a series of flashbacks, Hazel actually embodies a sort of uptight moralism---raised on angry gospel preaching that inspired self-flagellation in him as a child, he is now trying to reject the condemned feelings of his past by living above the reach of conscience and even developing a "Church of the Truth without Christ," a church that says we have no need for forgiveness, redemption, or morality. He seems to represent the worst of fundamentalism: an unbearable burden of guilt which gives him no peace and drives him to self-destruction of two types: the first, a rejection of all faith and conscience in an attempt to escape guilt, and the second, actual bodily and emotional harm done to "pay" for his sins.

Preachers are represented as unequivocally evil, either as shams who have no pretense of real belief in their private lives, like the evangelist who pretends to be blind in order to make money on the street-corner, or as guilt-peddlers like Hazel's relatives who only preach hellfire and drive innocent children like Hazel crazy with guilt.

Ironically, Hazel is accused of being a papist for his self-flagellating ways, which actually stem from his strictly non-Catholic southern fundamentalist upbringing. The main virtue of both his religious upbringing and his nihilistic "Church without Christ," is that both are "not foreign," i.e. Protestant & thus American, ala the ku klux klan. Since Flannery O'Connor was Catholic, it leads one to consider that a middle-ground, a faith that is healthy, moderate, and yet still literal and orthodox, is possibly to be found in the Catholic faith rather than this destructive fundamentalism.

One of the subplots I found most interesting is the presence of desperate women who are willing to do anything to possess Hazel, despite his patent kookiness: they say things like "I don't care if you like me...I don't care if you hit me...You're a sick man, I can take care of you, we just need to get married" and that sort of thing. These extreme and pitiful portrayals of women always hit me right at home...why does this seem to be a weakness of my sex?

Another recurrence is Hazel's irrational, even spiritual, reliance on his car. "Anyone with a good car doesn't need to be justified." Ouch--sort of hurts as an American. Do we subconsciously depend on our cars/lifestyles for a feeling of spiritual safety? As long as he can "get where he needs to go" he runs and runs from his conscience and preaches that faith is all a fantasy. It is only when his car is destroyed and that prop is pulled from under him that he's forced back to his guilt...and to his former, destructive way of facing it.

The music is charming and Southern, almost too light for the content of the movie, but I suppose it adds to the whimsical mood. The main actor, Brad Dourif, possesses a skinny, intense, pointed face that does make him look like an uptight preacher and is eerie combined with his strange behavior and his prim suit and hat.

Altogether, this is a strange movie filled with fascinating "minor" characters and a few disturbing images that in the end serve to highlight some really profound issues.

Vocabulary

2006-11-09T04:05:00.000-08:00

When I was in fourth grade, our class undertook an intensive (& competitive) vocabulary study called Wordmasters, in which we particpated in three challenging analogy tests and our scores were compared against other fourth-graders nationwide. We learned those words inside & out, and every possible relationship they could have to each other, as well as every nuance of their meanings.

This phenomenon occurred where we would be reading a book for the class and see one of our Wordmasters words in the book...all of a sudden we knew what "agile" or "azure" meant, and it had a magical feeling, like it was put in that novel just for us, to reinforce our word study, or at least to demonstrate to ourselves how smart we were (we won the national competition). It seemed strange to us that the word was actually there, in usage in the real outside world. I still find this happening today, when I learn a new, big word and see it in a book.

Our teacher, Mrs. Cook, reminded us that it might seem like these words are occurring more often since we learned them, but they've been there all along and nothing has changed. (She was a realist). To us, it seemed special.

Lately I've experienced this phenomenon in a different, less pleasant way. When you feel guilty, or at least anxious, about something you've done, or should do, does it ever seem like related phrases are popping up everywhere? Words that distinctly remind you of the person you've wronged, or with whom your relationship is a bit off and you're avoiding trying to fix it. Or words like "passive-aggressive" popping up in the unlikeliest of places, in a joke even, but it strikes you as serious because you know that's what you happen to be right now. Sometimes it seems like words are ambushing me on every side (from every type of media) and won't give me a rest from dealing with whatever problem it is, or feeling drawn to that person I'm not right with.

There are a few possible beliefs about this phenomenon: either Mrs. Cook is right, and it's just a coincidence, and a self-imposed, neurotic guilt, or maybe God is using them to speak to me, to keep my heart from getting hard because I'm afraid or unable to deal...these words force me to "deal" by taking me off guard, emotional defenses down and reminding me in a tender way of that thing, that person that I temporarily "forgot," and thus motivating me to consider what I should do, and that I can't just forget a person or escape this problem. Just as it seemed every novelist was out to help us with Wordmasters, it really does seem that God is out to help me learn how to live by using the random word out of context.

Skin

2006-04-21T13:20:00.000-07:00

So my wonderful, supportive family decided that at my sister's wedding, both she and I should be the belles of the ball. I consider this a very kind gesture, and I appreciate their acceptingness of both her (engaged) and my (single) state. I like that they are happy with both of us. And yet they also advise me of what photographs would be most advantageous to post on eHarmony.

Last weekend, I purchased a new dress for my sister's rehearsal dinner, which she's been encouraging me to do. In fact, she wants to match, like we did when we were little and had matching sundresses. I got a super-fancy strapless silk magenta/violet party dress thing and my extended family repeatedly requested that I try it on over Easter, just so they could admire me and rejoice in my ebullient youth.

My dad's wife decided that I, along with my sister, need a facial or two in preparation for the big event, so we can feel confident about our skin. What could be a better gift? And yet, beyond my normal financial means. She has encouraged me to seek out the most aggressive facialist, i.e. someone trained in the European school of facials or at least in the practice of "extraction." Bring it on! I feel that the problem of acne-ridden skin needs more agressive enemies bent on its eradication. We tread too lightly around something that is so completely annoying and time-consuming.

After the Easter weekend, my aunt emailed me and said that in the month before the wedding, I should be sure to "pamper my skin, hair, and nails." Now I like this advice. For some strange reason, it is giving me permission, if I had any doubts remaining about the validity of this pursuit. Why the heck not, when something so simple can bring so much confidence and peace of mind. It could be as simple as following a simple regimen (and actually doing it) or putting on lotion. But for some reason I need permission!

Thanks to my family for that.